I have been thinking back to the last five or six years. I was a youth who was just looking for guidance all in the wrong places. I used to feel like my family never wanted me even though i took on so many responsibilities. They were always gone and never really showed us attention. When i think about it our love was bought from them. When they were around there was always gifts to make up for lost time. 

As i got older i started to have thoughts about suicide. I would always ask myself, how would my family act if i died today or tomorrow? Would they cry or just act like nothing happened? i would wake up and go to sleep thinking about this.

My mother was around when we were younger but then her addiction got strong and we could tell when she was on one. At night she would mess with us picking at our skin and hair just like a tweaker. Now do not get me wrong i love my parents to death and would do anything for them. Now as for my Father he was heavily into the game and was always gone and in jail. 

So then when my mother was coming down from her high she would line all of us up in the front room, make us pull our pants down and hit us repeatedly until our bottoms were sore. Then when the belt stopped working as we got older she made a paddle and put duck tape on it so we would not get splinters in our ass. Now my father was different. My father has our whole life showed favoritism towards his youngest child and step children. We were always scared to speak up to him and let him know how we felt so we acted out. 

Then he started to become abusive to me and my brother cause we were the oldest. He would pouch slap and throw objects at us. Mind you he is about three hundred pounds big. He would hit us and beat us to where we would have bruises. This is how i started to come upon my suicide thoughts. 

I used to think my parents or family never wanted me around only to take their anger out on me. Then finally one day i got took into cps and then moved with my grandma. I started to act out there and did the fool. She called the cops on me after she kicked me out and said i went to kill myself she told them. I never said i was going to kill myself but the took me in to a psycward anyways while in there i saw and meet so many people.  

I was sent away after. And i then realized that what ever you are going through is never worth you taking your life over it. there are other ways to get out of it or find a solution to the problems. Just talk to someone and you will get help. there are always people willing to listen also.