You look familaur, Yet i still don't you..
             Have you ever felt as if you were an outast? You were, where you were supposed to be,yet you still felt differnt. You feel as though the place you've been in forever, seems forien to you, and the people you've been arounbd forever, no longer see's you as their own? Seems like a bad dream huh? Well for me, this is reality.
             My name is Maurcia D. Farr, collage graduate, head neurosurgen at Mt. El Cerrito Hospital and leading surgen of our country. Sounds great right? Not exactly; having all this came at a price,  A price that i had no choice but to make. If you look at me now you would think thati have the great life, a great husband, 3 kids and a white picket fence. But that's far from who i am. or at least far from whaty family see's me as.
 
       See i'm not your average " american fairlytale girl". I grew up rough. I lived below the povertyline for my entire childhood and most of my adolence. I come from richmond, california, born and raised. Never left it' till i graduated highschool. And even then it was rough. I often got taunted and teased about how i had short nappy hair, and how my mother was on welfare, which i thought was kind of stupid becuause in the area i grew up in, everyone was on welfare. Regardless, the constant taunting and teasing would get to me every time and i would often cry everyday. The worst part is when i would come back home and tell my mother of such horrific things, she wouldn't even blink. She was so strung out on drugs, that i dougbht she could even hear what i was saying. After having this happen so many times i knew i couldn't depend on her anymore, it was about time i had to start making life for myself, it was time for me to grow up.
 "Ay, Ay girl, what your name is?" the local street pimps and wanabe thugs would call out to me " Ay gurl don't like you don't hear me, u know you want all this choactly goodness, what you tryna play a brother for"
" ain't nobody tryna play" i would call out " i'm serious"  after that i'd ussually walk away while the people around would laugh, knowing that i'd juist won that battle.
But where i was going, was nothing to laugh about. I was going to sell drugs. I needed a quick way to get money, and only being 16 at the time, that's all i knew how to do. Everyday i'd wake up ready for something new, something interesting, something..illegal.
It's not like i was looking to get arrested but in my mindset at the time, i didn't really care. All i cared about was getting my money, and getting it fast, whatever it took i had to get it.
" hey baby girl what you got good today" a common drug user in the neighborhood would ask me " whatever you want baby, you want it, i got it" i would cleverly say as my normal pickup line. This would happen all throughout the day, with a variety of people ranging from the normal crack heads all the way to the desprete mothers on the under, just tryna get a fix. i didn't feel bad about it becuase i felt as like everyone makes their own descsions and this was just a descsion that not only people decided make, but this is ultimtly the decsion i decided to make.i would soon find out that this desicion would alter my life as i know it.
Being in my neighborhood for so long doing what i do, i pretty much knew all the familuar faces, like all the people that lived around there. i was smart about my buisness and the police. I would never seel or even incinuate i seel drugs to someone who i ainb't never seen before nor heared of, or even looked like they didn't belong there. But this particular day i was short on money so i was ready and willing to sell to anyone who would come through. of course i wasn't the only drug dealer in my area so i had to lower my prices and be ready amd willing for anything, and for anyone. This was the wrong day to start doing this.
" you want it, i got it" i would proudly say to anyone who walked passed my station. " powder, crystal, ex, i got it all " As i was calling out my menu i just happened to notice someone new, someone who didn't look like he was from the area, but desprete as i was, it really didn't matter.
" hey pretty lady" he called out. " you got anything special for me?" hesitly i answered " you want it i got it". " well thats what i like to hear. why don't you slip me a few grams of that special powder you got" he said so smoothly. Now if you didn't know, a few grams of drugs is alot of money, like at least a good $150 i couldn't pass this offer up regardless of my suspesions. i reluctly handed it over as the man gave me my money. Before the money even reached my hand i would hear the words that would stay in my mind indefitly.
" you are under arrest, you have the right to remain silent, anything you say can and will be used against you in the court of law..." After that i just kind of blanked out. With so many emotions running through me at one time, i didn't know what to do or say, at this moment i had rather have just gotten shot then be in the situation i was in.
A few days after being kept in the holding cell, i had to go to court to get my sentence. i was hopeing that since i had nevere been arrested, i would get and easier sentence. Boy i was i wrong.
"the court hereby sentences you to 1 year and 7 months in jail" I swear at that moment my heart stopped. I couldn't talk, i couldn't brethe all i could do was just stare in amazment. As soon as it set in that i was going to jail, i had already been takin away by the court security to the police car waiting for me outside.
When i got to the jail, it was like nothing ii ever expected. big buff women walking around everywhere. checking me out as i walked through the hallway with the security to my cell. When i got there all i could do was sit...sit and wait. Sit wait and eat and workout. this was all i would be doing for the next year and 7 months. Over my time in jail i had alot of time to think. To think about my life, to think about my family and freinds, and to think of who i really am. As i thought about it, i knew i didn't want to be here anymore or come here ever again. I knew i had to do something with my life.
While in jail they had this program where i could get my ged while i was in jail. i figured since i would be 18 by the time i got out anyways, i might as well have an education. So everyday i would sit in a place we called the "main hall" and learn. And i don't mean just sit there and listen, i mean doing my work, asking questions writing on the bord, the whole nine yards. A few months later,before i knew it, i had my ged. Of course it wasn't as good as a diploma but it would do for my circumstances. After getting my g.e.d. i felt so acomplished. I felt that if i could get my g.e.d. i could do anything i wanted, regardless of what anybody said.
A little while later i had finaly got out of jail. A changed women, ready for the world. I got myself a job and eventually my own place. When i got my own place back in the neighborhood i was from, i was welcomed back with open arms. It was though as if when you get sent to jail and come back, your some sort of hero or you become on the highlest level of "hood" if there is such a thing. At my house all i would do is filll out applications for collages and all this finacial aid and crap...so much paper like i basicly had a whole tree by the time i was finished with all that paperwork.
Evenventually i finally got into a school. a good school. sf state to be exact. When i left i hadn't told annyone where i was going, i just told them that i'll be back in a few yers, leading them on to thinking i was going back to jail again. It's not that i was embarresed about going back to school, it's just that where icome from, once you've done all the things that i've done, going to get an education, a higher education at that, was not something to brag about. that's something we call the "white folks learning".
Living on a campus was pretty invigoriating. almost like living in the suburbs. So day after day i went to class and the more i learned the more interested i became. Doing more work, taking more classes i was truley changing my ways. Eventually those 4 years turned to 7 years and those 7 years turened to 10 years and 10 to 15 years. before i knew it, iwas a doctor. Not just a doctor but a nerosurgen, the highest level of medical education one could have. As proud as i was i couldn't wait to go back to my old nighborhood to share all the news with my family and old freinds, i was so excited that they were going to be so happy and proud of me, yet it was the exact oppsite.
 As i walked down the streets in my new clothes i only got stares and mugs as if no one knew me. As i would begin to talk to someone they would turn their head as if they didn't see me, as if i didn't exsist. This was a feeling i had never felt before, one that i would hope to never feel again. but i wasso sure that even if my od freinds would hate me my family wouldn't..at least what was left of it. When i got back hopme i was told that my mother had died 3 years ago, i wasn't really upset becuase she never felt like a mother to me..she just had that title. So after hearing that i thought at least my siblings and aunts and uncles would want to see me.
"hello everyone, i feel like i haven't seen you in decades" i would joke. " you don't belong here" my aunt said somelemly. "you ain't went to no jail;, tryna fool us like you doin something. you went and got that white folk education tryna play us like you was goin to jail, you ain't one of us. You just a phony"
After hearing that, my heart dropped. Most familes would be estacic for their child nif they had acomplished what i did. " you think you better then us girl? Just cuz you went and go that fancy education? you ain't no better then the white folk themselves" my uncle said sternly.
At this moment i couldn't even fathom of what to do or say. Yeah i made it seem like i was going back to jail when i was really only going to school but still, this should be celebrated not hated on. So i just left. I left all the bs i left the neighborhood, i left my old life as i knew it.
Within those next 5 years i had gotten my white coat, gotten married and had 3 kids. a set of twin girls and a boy. I loved my new life and never looked back at my old life. yes it hurts me that the people who i thought would be my biggest supporters hates me for getting this education but theres nothing i can do about it. i needed to do this for myself and not for anyone else. So yes you all may call me phony if you want, but now i have my own life, so you all don't have to worry bout me coming back. I've moved up away and out and phony or not, i wouldn't change it for the world. but hey, that's just me.
                                                          the end =)